I'm probably going to do a vlog about this topic soon. Maybe it'll be in black and white because it's artsy and why not.
Uselessness.
That's the topic. And I think it hits home for a lot of us. Well, at least for me. Uselessness is what I've been feeling lately, and it doesn't feel good in the slightest.
I've had a job since I was 16 years old (or was it 15? I honestly don't remember). I've always been busy working and helping out and doing things. I mean, I absolutely abhorred my jobs, but I always made sure I did it right. Go past the bar, even. I just want people to know that I can do it and I can do it well.
But since I've been laid off, I've been feeling more and more useless. And in feeling useless, I've become useless. I don't want to do anything except mope and hide in a hole. It's like I don't feel needed or wanted or that I'm special in anyway. I mean, what do I even do?
I just draw some pretty pictures and people go "ooh isn't that nice what is it?" Which honestly I don't really like, I'd rather have some proper feedback, but it is nice that people like my art instead of thinking it's gag-worthy. And trust me, my art used to be obscenely gag-worthy.
And one thing that bugs me. . . more than bugs me, makes me depressed - is that I'm probably going to have to go back to the job I quit. Go back to serving coffee and having horrendously busy lines and waking up at 4am to get to work if I have a morning shift or not getting home until past 11 because we were too busy in the store to clean. And I just don't want that anymore. I feel like I deserve better. I've all ready worked so many shitty jobs and for so long, that I feel like I deserve to do something I enjoy.
But I just enjoy talking and writing and drawing. And unless a job magically falls into my lap that has those things, I can't even apply to most places that need an artist. Because I'm a stupid college drop-out who didn't even get a chance to go to art school. I mean, they want experience, right? Most places dealing with art prefer experience than a degree. But how am I supposed to build connections and sell my art if nobody can tell me how to improve and how to sell myself accordingly?
College is entirely too expensive right now and the fact that I can't even work anything but a minimum-wage job is just disheartening. And of course, it make me feel useless.
Just a comment from a strange person on the Internet you don't know.
ReplyDeleteYou're asking the wrong people. They either don't know enough about art to give proper feedback, or they would rather be nice to you than tell you what you need to hear.
Here are a couple of things that might help. One is, check out community colleges for art courses they have. I don't know the reasons why you dropped out of regular college, but community colleges are cheaper, and you don't have to take courses you don't want to. You may not get a degree, but you can point to your coursework if someone asks about education.
If the community college courses aren't appealing (like they're only intro stuff you already know), seek out people who do know what they're talking about. A lot of people with experience are willing to help with someone who wants to learn. It might also provide contacts who can help you find better employment in the future, but don't go in looking for that, at least not at first.
Finally, you mentioned having a boyfriend in an earlier blog post. If that's still the case, go kick him and tell he needs to do something to cheer you up!
My boyfriend does so much for me all ready - he's such a sweetheart and he's doing all that he can right now. I'm just being mopey and stupendously soul-searchy for no good reason.
DeleteCommunity college is (sadly) out of my price range. And not having a car is a bit of a hindrance on being able to go places. And once I get a job, I'll be working full-time, so that doesn't leave much room for other things besides sleep.
Thank you for the comment, though! Once my boyfriend and I can move in together, I should be able to go to college. I really want to pay for it, though - but I've been dicked over because I'm not an "independent" according to the rules of most colleges. But one day I'll be able to go.
I think I'm just sad because all of my friends are in college and are having normal problems of too much homework and I have to worry about paying rent and stuff like that.
But again, thanks for the comment - it really means a lot!
No prob. Yeah, you might have to work a crappy job for a while to keep paying for food and rent, but just keep telling yourself it's not going to be that way forever. If you want a little variety at this time of year, you can also go looking for holiday temp work. At least it would be a different crappy job for a month or two. :-)
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