So I watched this brilliant video on Youtube today. It's going to be a 12-part series, uploading once a week, every week.
And it's called "Becoming Youtube." (You can watch the first video here).
It got me thinking. Why do I make youtube videos? Do I want to be famous? Do I do it because I want to? Am I just trying to fill a void?
Well, yes and no.
I think everybody wants to be recognized for their achievements. I mean, who doesn't want to be praised for their hard work? Whether it's art or music or even that bug you got rid of in your code - we just want someone to say "hey, that was pretty good." So, yes, I want to be recognized. I'm an artist - I want people to look at my art and appreciate it. Do I want to be "famous?" No. Not really. I don't much care for attention about myself. I'd rather that attention be about my feats that I've achieved or the art that I've made or the stories that I've written. And, the more people that see my work, the harder it gets to separate the work from the individual.
Do I vlog because I want to? Yes. I vlog because it's fun and it's incredibly challenging for me. Every time I get in front the camera it's difficult. How many people am I talking to? How many people listen? Am I interesting? Funny? Insightful? Charming? I don't know. And sometimes when I come up with an idea for a GREAT vlog, the second the camera goes on, I forget. And instead of just turning off the camera and try to remember and write it down, I just go ahead and ramble. Is that a great vlog? No. Is it a start? Yes. And honestly, the only way to get better at doing something is to fail miserably for a good 2 years. I wasn't always good at art. Hell, I'm still not that great at art. But I try. And I practice. And I can honestly tell you my art has visibly improved within the last year - and that gives me hope that one day I'll be pleased with the creations I've made.
And about that void. What void do I speak of? You know that nagging voice in the back of your head? The one that tells you "no. you can't do that" the one that says "why even bother trying?" It's that void that makes you feel like you're worthless and like you'll never amount to anything. And it's not a great place to be. But youtube sort of fills that void. I've made more friends from youtube and tumblr than I've ever made at a party. (And let's face it, I never really go to parties). And they aren't just "internet friends." The kind your parents don't believe they're actually people that care about you. They're some of my BEST friends. Britta, Mo, Regis, Ivy, Meghan, Sherru, Satu. . . I have SO many friends and I know them all by name. I know so much more about them than most people because they're comfortable with putting their thoughts and feelings and opinions on the internet. And then before you know it, you aren't just following this person or subscribing to them. You get to know them, and you get to bond. As people. And it's an amazing feeling that even if you are completely alone or stuck on holiday somewhere you don't want to be, or going to a completely different country where you don't know anyone, you aren't really alone. Because the people you've befriended online will always be there for you. And that - that fills the void.
So why do I vlog? Because I can tell the internet my feelings. Because it's fun and it's scary and it's rewarding. Because no matter what, I know that one day, even if I'm not "famous" or anything, people can look back on my vlogs and say "that's her. That's Alyssa. This is what she's like and I can't wait for you to meet her." Because the worst fear in the world is fading from existence off the planet without anyone remembering who you are and what you were like.
