Life n' Stuff

So I'm not sure what life is going to be like for me within the next few months. I mean, I have a general idea, but nothing really . . . solid. If that makes sense. 

So I'm moving in May. I'm not sure where to, yet. Or for how long. It all depends on where my boyfriend gets a job and if he likes it there or if he finds a better one down the road. And it's a bit scary. I mainly want him to find something that make him happy; but I want to be happy, too. But I don't know where I'm going to be happy at. Like, if I move to California, would I be happy there? Or Boston? I have no earthly idea.

Adults never tell you what it's like when things don't go according to plan. It's always been 

• go to school
• get good grades
• go to college
• get good grades
• graduate
• get a good job
• pay off debt
• live life
• die

And honestly, that isn't exactly enticing. But it's what we're taught. I mean, I went to an engineering school for high school. I was 5th in the class of almost 400 kids (just the graduating ones). I got accepted to a really great school. But I had to pay for it out-of-pocket. And also I hated engineering.  And it felt like I was just expected to become some sort of an engineer and go out and get a job and MAKE A DIFFERENCE and whatever. What actually ended up happening was: 

• work a crappy fast-food job
• get good grades
• go to college
• drop out of college due to lack of funds/hating everything I was there for
• get a job
• live paycheck-to-paycheck
• get a better job
• hate that better job and quit
• get ANOTHER minimum-wage job
• live well enough not to have to live paycheck-to-paycheck
• flounder about for the rest of my life

So far, I'm winging it. And yeah, I could ask my parents for help, but it just feels like I'm the black sheep of the family. I was supposed to be the golden-child, and I just ended up making my parents so upset and it's to the point where I'm embarrassed to talk to them. They say they're proud of me, but at the same time, they aren't as proud of me as they want to be. If that makes sense. 
What I'm trying to get at is: I have no idea what I'm doing. But I'm realizing now that nobody really knows what they're doing. I have plans that I've been holding on for YEARS and now that they're just around the corner, it's scarier and scarier to me. 
Am I ready to go back to school? What would I even major in? Am I going to be able to find a job that I don't despise with every fiber of my being? (Most likely not). Are things finally going to fall in place and am I finally going to do something I'm happy about doing?
Because that's the thing. I'm not really happy. I want to be, but it's really hard. When you're a dropout, you feel like crap. That's just how it is. Everyone you know is graduating or getting really cool jobs or internships, and you can't even apply to anything because you're not in school. Every day I get asked "what's your major?" at my job and all I want to do is throttle that person. Mainly because I hate small talk, but also because I GET IT EVERY DAY AND IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. "Oh yeah hahaha I don't have a major because I couldn't pass the basic weed-out classes of this stupid school and also I hate engineering and also I'm a poor, broke individual and how do you expect me to spend $5,000+ per semester when I don't even have $3,000 in my bank account."
But usually I just stick with "I don't go to school here because I couldn't afford it and also I want to be an artist." Surprisingly, not many people go "have fun with that, kid" and lots are actually encouraging. 
But, suffice to say, I'm still learning and I don't have any basic art training, and I don't even know what I want to do. Graphic design? Sequential art? Film? I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm going to actually see what all the fuss is about as far as college is concerned because when I was there for that one measly semester, I felt sick and had anxiety attacks pretty much every day.
But the good news is, I have a much better chance at getting into an art school, now, because I've been honing my skills and have improved SO MUCH since I first came to college. 
I should probably wrap this up now before it turns into a book. But the last thing I'm going to say is this:

The most important thing in life is to be happy. Even if I was at a job that paid me 10 times more than what I make now, if I weren't happy at that job, I'd quit. So, my goal in life isn't to get loaded, it's to be happy. I think people forget that some times.