It's Been a While

I'm probably going to do a vlog about this topic soon. Maybe it'll be in black and white because it's artsy and why not.

Uselessness.

That's the topic. And I think it hits home for a lot of us. Well, at least for me. Uselessness is what I've been feeling lately, and it doesn't feel good in the slightest.

I've had a job since I was 16 years old (or was it 15? I honestly don't remember). I've always been busy working and helping out and doing things. I mean, I absolutely abhorred my jobs, but I always made sure I did it right. Go past the bar, even. I just want people to know that I can do it and I can do it well.

But since I've been laid off, I've been feeling more and more useless. And in feeling useless, I've become useless. I don't want to do anything except mope and hide in a hole. It's like I don't feel needed or wanted or that I'm special in anyway. I mean, what do I even do?

I just draw some pretty pictures and people go "ooh isn't that nice what is it?" Which honestly I don't really like, I'd rather have some proper feedback, but it is nice that people like my art instead of thinking it's gag-worthy. And trust me, my art used to be obscenely gag-worthy.

And one thing that bugs me. . . more than bugs me, makes me depressed - is that I'm probably going to have to go back to the job I quit. Go back to serving coffee and having horrendously busy lines and waking up at 4am to get to work if I have a morning shift or not getting home until past 11 because we were too busy in the store to clean. And I just don't want that anymore. I feel like I deserve better. I've all ready worked so many shitty jobs and for so long, that I feel like I deserve to do something I enjoy.

But I just enjoy talking and writing and drawing. And unless a job magically falls into my lap that has those things, I can't even apply to most places that need an artist. Because I'm a stupid college drop-out who didn't even get a chance to go to art school. I mean, they want experience, right? Most places dealing with art prefer experience than a degree. But how am I supposed to build connections and sell my art if nobody can tell me how to improve and how to sell myself accordingly?

College is entirely too expensive right now and the fact that I can't even work anything but a minimum-wage job is just disheartening. And of course, it make me feel useless.

Welp

That job didn't last very long.

Even though I was hired on the spot for Barnes & Noble, one of the managers decided to "let me go."

Her reasoning was that I "wasn't suited for the position." Excuse me? All I did was organize shelves and fold clothes all day. A monkey can do that. How am I "not suited."

I think she was mad that a different manager hired me without consulting her. She felt like because she didn't hire me, she'd rather fire me. Which is dumb, because I always do my job and I do it well. But, hey. You know what? If I'm going to be treated like I'm not even a person, then I'm better off without them.

I applied to a stand-alone Starbucks up the street. I'm going to stop by there to see if I can talk with a manager about hiring me. I hope I can get the job. I mean, I have about 2 years of experience and they are hiring. . . so there's no reason for them NOT to hire me. Right?

Right.

Okay, I've been too angry to even type this stupid post out because I just really don't like that manager. And I'm under the impression that nobody else does, either. 

New slate, everything is game. Just because I "failed" doesn't mean I'm not good. It really hurt me that I was fired. I felt  . . . well, a bit useless, really. It felt like a slap to the face. I was doing my job, working well, and actually enjoying what I was doing (until they kept me from doing the job I was hired to do), and then I just suddenly wasn't "good" enough?

I won't lie. I have a fragile self-esteem. If you say negative things, I take them to heart. But I think after letting it soak in for a while, I feel better. I don't feel like anything was my fault. And when I told my coworkers they were shocked. As in, mouth-hanging-wide-open-eyes-not-blinking shocked. 

So, I think it was mainly the manager was showing off the fact that they were "in control" and could do whatever they liked. Puh.

In the meantime, I'll be trying to exercise and do art and vlog more. Not gonna let this get me down.