Life n' Stuff

So I'm not sure what life is going to be like for me within the next few months. I mean, I have a general idea, but nothing really . . . solid. If that makes sense. 

So I'm moving in May. I'm not sure where to, yet. Or for how long. It all depends on where my boyfriend gets a job and if he likes it there or if he finds a better one down the road. And it's a bit scary. I mainly want him to find something that make him happy; but I want to be happy, too. But I don't know where I'm going to be happy at. Like, if I move to California, would I be happy there? Or Boston? I have no earthly idea.

Adults never tell you what it's like when things don't go according to plan. It's always been 

• go to school
• get good grades
• go to college
• get good grades
• graduate
• get a good job
• pay off debt
• live life
• die

And honestly, that isn't exactly enticing. But it's what we're taught. I mean, I went to an engineering school for high school. I was 5th in the class of almost 400 kids (just the graduating ones). I got accepted to a really great school. But I had to pay for it out-of-pocket. And also I hated engineering.  And it felt like I was just expected to become some sort of an engineer and go out and get a job and MAKE A DIFFERENCE and whatever. What actually ended up happening was: 

• work a crappy fast-food job
• get good grades
• go to college
• drop out of college due to lack of funds/hating everything I was there for
• get a job
• live paycheck-to-paycheck
• get a better job
• hate that better job and quit
• get ANOTHER minimum-wage job
• live well enough not to have to live paycheck-to-paycheck
• flounder about for the rest of my life

So far, I'm winging it. And yeah, I could ask my parents for help, but it just feels like I'm the black sheep of the family. I was supposed to be the golden-child, and I just ended up making my parents so upset and it's to the point where I'm embarrassed to talk to them. They say they're proud of me, but at the same time, they aren't as proud of me as they want to be. If that makes sense. 
What I'm trying to get at is: I have no idea what I'm doing. But I'm realizing now that nobody really knows what they're doing. I have plans that I've been holding on for YEARS and now that they're just around the corner, it's scarier and scarier to me. 
Am I ready to go back to school? What would I even major in? Am I going to be able to find a job that I don't despise with every fiber of my being? (Most likely not). Are things finally going to fall in place and am I finally going to do something I'm happy about doing?
Because that's the thing. I'm not really happy. I want to be, but it's really hard. When you're a dropout, you feel like crap. That's just how it is. Everyone you know is graduating or getting really cool jobs or internships, and you can't even apply to anything because you're not in school. Every day I get asked "what's your major?" at my job and all I want to do is throttle that person. Mainly because I hate small talk, but also because I GET IT EVERY DAY AND IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. "Oh yeah hahaha I don't have a major because I couldn't pass the basic weed-out classes of this stupid school and also I hate engineering and also I'm a poor, broke individual and how do you expect me to spend $5,000+ per semester when I don't even have $3,000 in my bank account."
But usually I just stick with "I don't go to school here because I couldn't afford it and also I want to be an artist." Surprisingly, not many people go "have fun with that, kid" and lots are actually encouraging. 
But, suffice to say, I'm still learning and I don't have any basic art training, and I don't even know what I want to do. Graphic design? Sequential art? Film? I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm going to actually see what all the fuss is about as far as college is concerned because when I was there for that one measly semester, I felt sick and had anxiety attacks pretty much every day.
But the good news is, I have a much better chance at getting into an art school, now, because I've been honing my skills and have improved SO MUCH since I first came to college. 
I should probably wrap this up now before it turns into a book. But the last thing I'm going to say is this:

The most important thing in life is to be happy. Even if I was at a job that paid me 10 times more than what I make now, if I weren't happy at that job, I'd quit. So, my goal in life isn't to get loaded, it's to be happy. I think people forget that some times. 

Oh

I haven't touched this blog in over a year. Oops.
Luckily I'm not a very popular blogger because that'd be silly. Anyway a little update on my life I guess?

I've decided to get healthy. Not just like eating better, but actually exercising. LA Fitness was kind enough to give my friend and I a two week free membership which we are using to our full advantage. Once that's up we might actually get a membership together. So that'll be fun.  And oddly enough, I really like working out. I like taking time out of my day to say "hey actually I'm gonna focus on my body for once." It's kinda nice to sweat. I mean the day after is a bitch, but you know, that's what happens when you move your muscles over and over again with weights.

I'm in a lot better of a place (mentally) than last year, so that's nice. I still have anxiety and all that, but at the very least I'm not accidentally starving myself and walking 2+ miles a day. Did I even talk about that on here? I don't remember. (Basically it boils down to not eating enough and walking home from work every day).

I have a new tablet (for art, not an iPad or anything) and that's really lovely. My boyfriend was kind enough to buy it for me. My other one has been on it's last legs for a while, now. Which brings me to my next point - Bryarly Bishop has commissioned me to do art for her website! Ahhh I'm so excited! She's not mega popular, and if you don't really keep up with youtube you probably have no idea who she is, but all the same it's an honor to be drawing for her. She's really nice and sweet and kicks ass and I really love her videos a bunch. It's almost surreal that I'm working with someone who I've been following on youtube for well over a year, now.

Soon I won't be in Georgia anymore. That's going to be scary. I mean, I don't really like Georgia, but I do like my friends. But it doesn't matter if I stay here because almost all of them are graduating soon. I'm gonna miss them terribly. For the first time in my life I've had friends last longer than 3 years. It's going to be way harder leaving. And not to mention the whole "making new friends" thing. How do you even make friends as an adult? I mean sure you can meet some at a job but I want friends that'll hang out with me after work and have double dates and someone to watch movies with.

Growing up is kinda scary.

Actually it's terrifying.

It's like someone just plopped you into the real world and stuck a star on your chest reading "official adult" even though you have no idea what you're doing. What I am learning is that everyone feels this way so at least I'm not alone.

It's not even 10:00 and I'm all ready sleepy so I'm going to just call it a day. Maybe it has to do with the workout. Who knows.

Thank for reading.

Becoming Youtube

So I watched this brilliant video on Youtube today. It's going to be a 12-part series, uploading once a week, every week. 

And it's called "Becoming Youtube." (You can watch the first video here).

It got me thinking. Why do I make youtube videos? Do I want to be famous? Do I do it because I want to? Am I just trying to fill a void?

Well, yes and no.

I think everybody wants to be recognized for their achievements. I mean, who doesn't want to be praised for their hard work? Whether it's art or music or even that bug you got rid of in your code - we just want someone to say "hey, that was pretty good."  So, yes, I want to be recognized. I'm an artist - I want people to look at my art and appreciate it. Do I want to be "famous?" No. Not really. I don't much care for attention about myself. I'd rather that attention be about my feats that I've achieved or the art that I've made or the stories that I've written. And, the more people that see my work, the harder it gets to separate the work from the individual.

Do I vlog because I want to? Yes. I vlog because it's fun and it's incredibly challenging for me. Every time I get in front the camera it's difficult. How many people am I talking to? How many people listen? Am I interesting? Funny? Insightful? Charming? I don't know. And sometimes when I come up with an idea for a GREAT vlog, the second the camera goes on, I forget. And instead of just turning off the camera and try to remember and write it down, I just go ahead and ramble. Is that a great vlog? No. Is it a start? Yes. And honestly, the only way to get better at doing something is to fail miserably for a good 2 years. I wasn't always good at art. Hell, I'm still not that great at art. But I try. And I practice. And I can honestly tell you my art has visibly improved within the last year - and that gives me hope that one day I'll be pleased with the creations I've made. 

And about that void. What void do I speak of? You know that nagging voice in the back of your head? The one that tells you "no. you can't do that" the one that says "why even bother trying?" It's that void that makes you feel like you're worthless and like you'll never amount to anything. And it's not a great place to be. But youtube sort of fills that void. I've made more friends from youtube and tumblr than I've ever made at a party. (And let's face it, I never really go to parties). And they aren't just "internet friends." The kind your parents don't believe they're actually people that care about you. They're some of my BEST friends. Britta, Mo, Regis, Ivy, Meghan, Sherru, Satu. . . I have SO many friends and I know them all by name. I know so much more about them than most people because they're comfortable with putting their thoughts and feelings and opinions on the internet. And then before you know it, you aren't just following this person or subscribing to them. You get to know them, and you get to bond. As people. And it's an amazing feeling that even if you are completely alone or stuck on holiday somewhere you don't want to be, or going to a completely different country where you don't know anyone, you aren't really alone. Because the people you've befriended online will always be there for you. And that - that fills the void.


So why do I vlog? Because I can tell the internet my feelings. Because it's fun and it's scary and it's rewarding. Because no matter what, I know that one day, even if I'm not "famous" or anything, people can look back on my vlogs and say "that's her. That's Alyssa. This is what she's like and I can't wait for you to meet her." Because the worst fear in the world is fading from existence off the planet without anyone remembering who you are and what you were like.

It's Been a While

I'm probably going to do a vlog about this topic soon. Maybe it'll be in black and white because it's artsy and why not.

Uselessness.

That's the topic. And I think it hits home for a lot of us. Well, at least for me. Uselessness is what I've been feeling lately, and it doesn't feel good in the slightest.

I've had a job since I was 16 years old (or was it 15? I honestly don't remember). I've always been busy working and helping out and doing things. I mean, I absolutely abhorred my jobs, but I always made sure I did it right. Go past the bar, even. I just want people to know that I can do it and I can do it well.

But since I've been laid off, I've been feeling more and more useless. And in feeling useless, I've become useless. I don't want to do anything except mope and hide in a hole. It's like I don't feel needed or wanted or that I'm special in anyway. I mean, what do I even do?

I just draw some pretty pictures and people go "ooh isn't that nice what is it?" Which honestly I don't really like, I'd rather have some proper feedback, but it is nice that people like my art instead of thinking it's gag-worthy. And trust me, my art used to be obscenely gag-worthy.

And one thing that bugs me. . . more than bugs me, makes me depressed - is that I'm probably going to have to go back to the job I quit. Go back to serving coffee and having horrendously busy lines and waking up at 4am to get to work if I have a morning shift or not getting home until past 11 because we were too busy in the store to clean. And I just don't want that anymore. I feel like I deserve better. I've all ready worked so many shitty jobs and for so long, that I feel like I deserve to do something I enjoy.

But I just enjoy talking and writing and drawing. And unless a job magically falls into my lap that has those things, I can't even apply to most places that need an artist. Because I'm a stupid college drop-out who didn't even get a chance to go to art school. I mean, they want experience, right? Most places dealing with art prefer experience than a degree. But how am I supposed to build connections and sell my art if nobody can tell me how to improve and how to sell myself accordingly?

College is entirely too expensive right now and the fact that I can't even work anything but a minimum-wage job is just disheartening. And of course, it make me feel useless.

Welp

That job didn't last very long.

Even though I was hired on the spot for Barnes & Noble, one of the managers decided to "let me go."

Her reasoning was that I "wasn't suited for the position." Excuse me? All I did was organize shelves and fold clothes all day. A monkey can do that. How am I "not suited."

I think she was mad that a different manager hired me without consulting her. She felt like because she didn't hire me, she'd rather fire me. Which is dumb, because I always do my job and I do it well. But, hey. You know what? If I'm going to be treated like I'm not even a person, then I'm better off without them.

I applied to a stand-alone Starbucks up the street. I'm going to stop by there to see if I can talk with a manager about hiring me. I hope I can get the job. I mean, I have about 2 years of experience and they are hiring. . . so there's no reason for them NOT to hire me. Right?

Right.

Okay, I've been too angry to even type this stupid post out because I just really don't like that manager. And I'm under the impression that nobody else does, either. 

New slate, everything is game. Just because I "failed" doesn't mean I'm not good. It really hurt me that I was fired. I felt  . . . well, a bit useless, really. It felt like a slap to the face. I was doing my job, working well, and actually enjoying what I was doing (until they kept me from doing the job I was hired to do), and then I just suddenly wasn't "good" enough?

I won't lie. I have a fragile self-esteem. If you say negative things, I take them to heart. But I think after letting it soak in for a while, I feel better. I don't feel like anything was my fault. And when I told my coworkers they were shocked. As in, mouth-hanging-wide-open-eyes-not-blinking shocked. 

So, I think it was mainly the manager was showing off the fact that they were "in control" and could do whatever they liked. Puh.

In the meantime, I'll be trying to exercise and do art and vlog more. Not gonna let this get me down.

It's Been a While

I was totally going to write this last week but I've been strangely tired as of late. 

Anywho,

New job is very different than what I was expecting. I don't even touch the register, for a start. In fact, I don't even talk to people. (Which is both a blessing and a curse). I mean, it's nice to talk to coworkers because I mean, honestly, work is boring. But, by the same token, I don't have to deal with customers ever. So that's nice.

Basically all I do for 6 hours is organize and reorganize school supplies. Yep. That's it. It's cool because I actually LIKE organizing things. But I finish everything in about 2 - 3 hours. I still need to figure out how to stretch it out for another 3. I'll get there!

I do like this job much better than any of my older jobs combined, though. Stress-free, working at my own pace. And I actually get more hours than I did when I worked at Starbucks. Only downside is sometimes I have to work on the weekends. I normally wouldn't mind, but all of my friends are going "Cosmic Bowling" this weekend.

Cosmic Bowling is like regular bowling. Except all the lights are off except for black lights, so all you can really see are the pins. Why do we even have normal bowling when COSMIC BOWLING EXISTS??

*ahem* Moving on, once football season ends, I should end up having weekends free. I think. 

But yes. Things are looking way, way up and I much prefer this job!

Oh, and apparently I left my last paycheck from April there so now I have free monies. So that's amazing. 

That Was Easy!

So I went to Barnes & Noble a few days ago in hopes to find a job.

I didn't even have to interview.


I worked at the Starbucks inside the bookstore for a year and a half, so I all ready knew all of the managers. I went and talked to the main hiring manager and she just went "You know what? I'm just gonna hire you."

First day is on the 15th. I still haven't moved, yet. But that's okay because I'm moving back to town on Friday. Full day to pack all my stuff. It's not a lot of stuff, so it one day should be fine.

I must say, it is very nice to be back in town. I get to see my boyfriend and all of my friends and now I have time to draw and cook and it's great! Also I am attempting to go get contacts next week. My insurance runs out on the 1st, so I gotta go nab some soon!

In other news, my 11th Doctor costume is almost complete for Halloween! Just have to add the elbow patches to the tweed coat and I'll be finished! Even got the Sonic Screwdriver and everything.

All in all, this has been been a pretty awesome month.